written by Chantelle

Not caring about not passing

http://forum.tgr.net.au/cms/forum/F439/6268-not-caring-about-not-passing#27316

Like many girls on TGR, I knew I was different even as a child. I would surreptitiously dress in my sister's clothes, terrified of being caught out. Later as an adult, I would buy clothes "for my partner" and then wear them surreptitiously at home, terrified of being caught out. Finally, I ventured out in public, in Sydney far away from home, thrilled and pleased but still terrified of being seen as transgender, i.e. as not passing for a woman. Then, well into my sixties I couldn't lead the double life any longer and said "Oh golly gosh (or an equivalent vulgar phrase) I'm just going to be me, my feminine self".


But who/what is my feminine self? I've grown my hair, bought elegant feminine clothes, keep finger and toe nails painted, changed my name, use breast forms and always wear makeup - but I'm still 6'1" tall, have large feet and hands, speak with a deep voice and have a masculine'ish face. From a distance perhaps I'm taken for a "real" woman, but close up and when I'm speaking there's no way I can pass. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't wear clothes that "match my age": I have great legs after 55 years as a runner and I ain't gonna hide them! I attract attention, as my partner tells me.

So, after a long period of fear and frustration at "not passing" I've finally reached a point (most of the time) of accepting that I'm transgendered and not apologising to anyone for it. I'm never going to be a "real" woman, or even a passable one after surgery etc (which anyway I can't afford or undertake health-wise). It's obvious that I'm presenting as female and most people respect that. Although not perfect, this situation pretty much satisfies my desire to be my feminine self.

In summary, I no longer care that I'm not passable. Being passable full-time in life is a bridge too far for me, as it probably is for most other MtF transgender people.

Regards,

Chantelle

PS there are emotional and behavioural aspects of my feminine self (not just appearance) - but I won't talk about those here!

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