written by Donnagirl

Gaining Confidence and coming out to Family


Coming out to close family, particularly your wife is one of the hardest things and also one of the most personal things. Only you can know the strength of the relationship and only you are in a position to predict the reactions. In my case I told my wife several years ago... I had not been subtle, leaving clothes hanging in the closet. I can say it didn't go well!

I had prepared a script, a series of points to try to cover but that was a waste of time. There was an immediate barrage of questions, or statements veiled as questions:

"Was I gay?"
"I was dressing to attract men"!
"Had I had sex with a man?"
"The marriage is a sham!"

I'm sure there are others who have heard similar. In the early days I would dress without makeup or wig, overweight and bald. It's difficult to argue with her comments that I looked stupid and she didn't want to see it. We remained living almost separated but under the same roof for close to twelve months before I sat her down for what I think should have been the first talk. I had prepared a quantity of documentation, websites and forums for her to read. We set boundaries and limitations. And most importantly promised to continue conversation and to keep no more secrets. I took her to meet other cross dressers and their wives. I ensured she heard the reassurances from many other sources than me alone.

Over the next year a number of goals were achieved... She bought me my first wig, she taught me makeup skills, she even started shopping for me. I kept to my word and never stepped outside the limitations we set without negotiation and approval.

Whilst I'm sure there are still difficulties she worries over, now she actually prefers Donna to boy me. She refers to me as Donna and uses female pronouns. We have gone out to to various places from a simple drive in the country to parties and shopping. As she gained confidence I extended the circle of those who know, family, friends, colleagues... The mistakes and successes I learnt talking to her made each subsequent 'reveal' easier, not easy, just easier... We have started to help others now, providing that independent resource for other wives to question and vent to.

Now I dress most days in a mix of boy and girl, mostly girl around the house, only careful not to 'embarrass' my sons if they have friends over...

Now, please I'm not saying it's all rainbows and unicorns for her. I have some great girls I work with who regularly take her out to make sure she is ok. I was even glad last week when she agreed to talk to a counselor I know. She has also attended sessions with me and my psychiatrist.

The journey continues and I'm so glad she is beside me.

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